


So many lives in one

by TonalModulator



Series: Azura's Reluctant Pawn [2]
Category: Elder Scrolls, Elder Scrolls III: Morrowind
Genre: And memory recovery, Angst, Gen, Memory Loss, OCAngstAndFluffWeek2019
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-09-11
Updated: 2019-09-11
Packaged: 2020-10-14 12:34:28
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,372
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20600861
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TonalModulator/pseuds/TonalModulator
Summary: Ildari has been named Hortator and Nerevarine, but she still doesn’t understand how she ended up here until the memories of all her lives since Nerevar come flooding back.





	So many lives in one

**Author's Note:**

> This is my submission for ([OC Angst and Fluff Week 2019](https://indoril-nerevar-mora.tumblr.com/post/187177772035/oc-angst-and-fluff-week-2019-welcome-to-oc-angst)), day 2: Memory loss <s>and/or Found Family</s>.
> 
> Sorry this is rushed and messy.
> 
> I hope you like Ildari. I have some other stuff of her written that I might post sometime.

Ildari put on her chameleon enchantments and exited Saryoni’s office. Apparently the Ordinators weren’t all happy to hear that the Great Houses had named her their Hortator and the Ashlander Tribes had named her the Nerevarine. She could hardly blame them. As far as she could tell, she was just some mer who met a bunch of criteria. If it weren’t for the ring, and maybe the corprus, she’d think just about anyone could fill the part.

The ring, though—that was strange. She subconsciously spun One-Clan-Under-Moon-And-Star on her finger as she ascended the almost never-ending staircase to Vivec’s Palace. Supposedly anyone other than Nerevar would die if they tried to wear it, and yet, here she was with it on her finger. The legend seemed a bit extreme, though. It probably didn’t _actually_ kill people. Still, she felt oddly attached to it. At first, she thought it was just a sense of protectiveness, given that it was a rare artifact of legend with such a morbid rumored enchantment (that she really didn’t want anyone to accidentally test). But it felt like more than that, like the ring was a part of her that she couldn’t bear to lose again. Again? At all. Whatever.

Ugh, this was all so confusing. How could she be some old king from the first era? Shouldn’t she have some actual memories from that life? Instead, all she had were vague senses here and there that she could explain away pretty easily.

She took off her enchantments when she reached the top of the stairs and paused to catch her breath. It was probably best to at least look vaguely pulled together if she was going to go have a chat with a living god. Maybe this was part of some secret trial: the Trial of Vivec’s Stairs. Why else would anyone think to build _so many steps_?

Anyway.

She opened the door with the key Saryoni had given her and stepped into the palace.

The energy in the room was…strange. Different? As though it was extremely familiar, but still definitely violated her expectations. It was…stronger? Probably because she was much more attuned to magic this time around (_This time?_), and more than that, because Vehk’s signature (_Vivec’s. When have I ever called hir Vehk?_) was much stronger than it had been at their last encounter. (_But I’ve never been here before, never met hir before._) But there was something else mixed in, too. Some signature so powerful she could even detect it last time (_What time??_), so obvious that she couldn’t believe she didn’t expect it. (_Expect **what**? How could I have expected anything?_)

She was almost dizzy, and it didn’t seem like it was the elevation. She caught her balance and took a few more steps inside. Her eyes landed on Vivec, who had apparently noticed her stumble and had a concerned look on hir face, that face she knew so well (_I’ve never seen hir before in my life._), that not even four millennia could erase, and her vision washed out.

She was back in the Heart Chamber. The energy. That same signature. Of course. The Heart of Lorkhan. Of _course_. She was barely attuned to magic back then—no more than the next Chimer warrior, anyway—but it was such a powerful sense that it stuck with her all the same.

Voryn. The tools. They needed them. For their people’s safety.

_I need you with me in this, Voryn. My dear friend. You’re scaring me._

He wouldn’t give them back.

_You saw what happened to the Dwemer._

Trueflame.

_If it comes down to you versus the people, Lord Dagoth…_

Salt taste. Wet. Tears. Now? Or then? Maybe. Strained breath. Shaking. Breaking.

_I_ will _cut you down._

_I must._

_They put their trust in us, in their hortator and the tribunal. We will do what is necessary for them._

_No matter the cost._

_Even if it’s the most painful thing I ever do._

Step. Flash. Sway.

_Will you swear an oath upon the Prince of Dawn and Dusk?_

Friends. Advisors. Trust. Betrayal. For the people.

More memories. More and more and more memories. The dragon was breaking in her head.

An incensed Prince. A prophecy. A promise. An attempt. A failure. A whole life…

Knees. Hands. Hard. Wall? Floor. Ow.

Another try. Another failure. Again and again. Life after life. All dead. But alive again? Memories upon memories. Piled up. Right here. All of those lives in one life now. So much. Too much. _Too much._

Feet landing. Steps. Not hers. Hands. Helping. Up. Arms. Face. Shoulder. Crying.

So many memories. All at once. No mercy, no time to process. Lifetimes of emotion all at one time.

Crying. Breathing. Steadier, maybe.

Lifetimes of joy.

“Are you okay?”

Lifetimes of pain.

“I’ve got you.”

Lifetimes of love.

“You’re safe.”

Lifetimes of loss.

Steadier now. Breathing.

“Let’s go sit down. Can you walk?”

“Can’t…see…” Voice was working, sort of. The memories were clearing up.

“Shall I guide you?”

Ildari nodded. Vehk led her through a door and into another room.

“Watch your step…there’s cushions all around you. You can sit anywhere.”

She felt the floor and confirmed that it was indeed covered in cushions. She sat down among them, and thought she heard Vehk sit down too.

She rubbed her eyes. Not that it would do much, but this was getting annoying.

“I know I’m dazzling, but I didn’t expect quite that reaction,” Vehk said.

“Fuck off,” Ildari laughed. Her vision had started to return, and so she squinted over at her old friend. “You’re shinier than I remember. I’ll give you that.”

The words sounded strange, and not because she was swearing at a god. It took her a moment to realize they were speaking Chimeris. Naturally, the knowledge of the language had come back with all the memories.

“And to think I was even struggling with Dunmeris a few months ago.” She noticed that there were blankets scattered around too, and she pulled one over and wrapped it around herself. When she looked back at Vehk, ze was studying her intently.

“I guess we have a lot of catching up to do,” she said.

“Indeed.” A simple response, indicating that ze was guarded, unprepared.

“What, weren’t you prepared for me to collapse and experience the entirety of, oh, 17 lives that I’d somehow forgotten all at once?”

Vehk chuckled lightly and relaxed somewhat. “I had planned for a few possibilities, but I doubt even Seht would have been prepared for that.”

They were quiet for a moment, until Ildari said in barely a whisper, “I’m going to have to kill Voryn again.”

Vehk nodded solemnly. “Voryn. Yes. Strange. I’ve spent so long thinking of him as Dagoth Ur, that I’d forgotten just how personal it will be for you. Maybe thinking of him as such would make it easier on you too…”

“It doesn’t,” she snapped. “And why would I want that, anyway, Vehk? If I’m going to have to face down one of my closest friends, I’m going to do it honestly.”

She laughed bitterly and shook her head as she came to a realization. “I suppose you’d know all about that, though, with your ‘False Incarnates.’ Did it make it easier to send your Ordinators to hunt them down if you could give them some alias and forget they could really be me?”

“Neht—”

“Don’t. I don’t want your apologies, or excuses, or whatever right now. You can apologize later, when you have any idea what you need to apologize for. For now, just shut up and talk to me, Sera Duality.”

Vehk smiled. “Good to know you’re still at your most honest when you’re just a little pissed off.”

Ildari rolled her eyes, but she had to smile. No wonder ze was always such a pain.

“Neht,” she repeated the nickname Vehk had used moments earlier. It felt strange on her tongue, like it wasn’t her name anymore. She wrinkled her nose. “No, I don’t like that. I’m Nerevar, yes, but I’ve been a lot of people since then, too. Neht was sort of Step One of my life. Or…lives.”

“Iya, then?”

“Iya…yes. Much better.”


End file.
